Category: Fun

How to Sharpen Pencils: an Appreciation

5th December, 2018
By Guy Windsor
One Comment

Books and Writing, Fun

Approximately every 365 days there falls a date celebrated for many things, but in my household principally as the anniversary of my birth. Yes, you have anticipated me: it was my birthday.
As is delightfully customary, I was showered with gifts, chief among them a tome that has, quite simply, changed my life.
How to Sharpen Pencils, by David Rees (henceforth referred to as “The Master”) sets out in clear and pellucid prose the principles and practices of that once-exalted, now sadly under-appreciated craft, the sharpening of pencils. He includes a complete theoretical underpinning, and much sage and practical advice to the novice, not omitting (which gladdened my swordsmanly heart) a thorough warm-up. Because, let us face this truth unstintingly, pencil sharpening is primarily a physical craft, to be mastered before approaching the metaphysical sharpening of graphite encased in fragrant cedar.
The Master is clearly a man of surpassing patience and precision, but he does not neglect the aesthetics of his art: interleaved throughout this meisterwerk are “Reveries”, miniature photographic essays of appreciation for early mechanical pencil sharpening devices. These are included, I think, to raise the reader to a state of consciousness better suited to a deeper appreciation of the perfection that is tantalisingly visible in the crafting of a pencil point, yet will ever elude us.
Just as perfection must ever elude the author of any book. I might point out that The Master, whose veneration of accuracy verges on (but never quite o’ersteps the bounds of) pedantry, would under no circumstances have written “site” for “sight”, as appears on page 96. I suspect some publisher’s minion, jealous of an attainment that will forever be beyond their grasp, of deliberately inserting this homophonous error. Perhaps the same saboteur that misleadingly and entirely erroneously placed this book in the “Humor” category. (I apologise most profusely to my readership for the appalling lack of a ‘u’ in Humor, here. I am quoting directly from the back cover of the book and cannot be held responsible.)
Yet there remains one baffling omission: nowhere does The Master address the pressing issue of pocket-sharpener maintenance, other than simple cleaning of the egress slot. It is surely necessary to, as occasion demands, remove the blade with a small screwdriver (of a type common to jewellers and electricians), and polish the flat of it on a suitable whetstone, re-shape the bevel on same, and return it to the sharpener body, being careful to replace the screw snugly to prevent it falling out, thus freeing the blade with potentially serious consequences, but not so snugly as to render future removal for re-sharpening unnecessarily laborious. This simple process can in many cases transform a lacklustre sharpener.
Here, I also must point out that in my time as a cabinet-maker, I was wont to sharpen pencils with a very sharp chisel, and for the finest point, a small hand plane. This is, I admit perhaps beyond the scope of the specialist pencil sharpening professional, but I would, if pressed, be willing to demonstrate these techniques for the edification and delight of fellow enthusiasts.
Neither of these lacunae are sufficiently serious to detract from the overwhelming excellence of this book; I mention them in the spirit of the ambitious pursuit of perfection that so imbues this work.
This book is not just for Christmas: it is, like puppies, for life.

Thoughts on the new Star Wars movies

18th August, 2018
By Guy Windsor
8 Comments

Fun, Reflections

The trumpet-blast of the Star Wars theme when that logo hits the screen transports me instantly back to the age of 11. Everything onscreen after that gets absorbed with the absolute trust and lack of cynicism that you’d expect of a person who still maybe sort of believes in Santa Claus. It’s magic, pure and simple.

So don’t come to me for an adult response to these movies.

I loved The Force Awakens. It was pure Star Wars.

Rogue One is arguably a much better film, and I enjoyed it, but to me it didn’t deliver the heroin-injection of Star Wars magic that I was expecting until the very last moments when Darth Vader lit up his lightsaber. That’s when I really understood that the key, essential, thing that makes Star Wars Star Wars for me is the Jedi stuff. Lightsabers. Force chokes. Magic.

The Last Jedi delivered Jedi magic in spades, and I loved it. Best movie of the franchise, perhaps. They even snuck Yoda in there. So you can imagine my horror and disgust to learn about the self-styled ‘true fans’ getting up in arms about how rubbish it was, because it has women in non-sexualised roles, and even, gods forfend, not-white people in major roles. And even, horrors, not-white-women-in-not-sexualised-roles. Oh no! What is the world coming to! Next we’ll have to give them equal pay for equal work! (I actually tried to explain the wage gap to my daughters. They were initially baffled, as in ‘how is that possible’, and then furious. I think their future employers may find themselves on the sticky end of an arm-bar if they try to pull that shit.)

In other words, a bunch of entitled whiteboy wankers are furious that ‘their’ franchise has been taken over by nasty girls and nasty brown people. This is plainly disgusting, and the cultural tip of a gigantic iceberg of misogyny and racism. But it has also had the unintended consequence of making it seem like the movie is a shibboleth for arseholes. Decent folk who like equality like the movie: stinkers do not. But that is just not true. I have several friends whom I know to be as un-racist and pro-feminist as it’s possible to be with white skin and a penis who couldn’t stand the film. And I think I know why (because one such friend articulated it very clearly). They went hoping for the same experience that they had when they saw Empire Strikes Back in the cinema at the age of 11. And their grown-up movie sensibilities just can’t enjoy a film so completely filled with plot holes, red herrings, and ‘Doh!’ moments.

So let me say this loud and clear: you can be massively disappointed in the new Star Wars movies, and still be a decent person.

But I’m still 11 and still believe in the Force, so the critical faculties I bring to bear on things like the study of medieval manuscripts are completely switched off by the hum of a lightsaber. I can see all those flaws, but I just don’t care. It’s Star Wars. I mean, just look at this image:

There is simply no good reason ever to hold a blade like that, still less one that's made of goddam plasma. Her head is entirely unprotected: No! If her opponent taps her blade, it will cut her own left arm off: No! But during the movie itself, I barely notice that kind of thing.

So there was just no way I was going to miss the latest in-between-isode, Solo. I was going to go on my own because my kids professed to hate Star Wars, having never seen any of it. But the rank injustice of me getting to go to the movies without them made them object, and ask to come. I said they could, but only if they were likely to enjoy it, so first they had to watch a Star Wars movie at home with me. Then if they liked it, they could come, and if they didn’t, then they wouldn’t want to come. Seemed fair all round.

There are some critical parenting moments that you can see coming in advance. This was one. I had one shot to get my daughters, aged 9 and 11, into Star Wars, so I had to pick the right film.

Episodes I-III? No fucking way. Despite the ubiquity of Jedi in these films, they are so bad. And Jar-Jar? No. But also the new movie is all about Han Solo, so it would make sense if they saw a film with him in it. In fact, those episodes were in sore need of a Han-like character to leaven them. So, of the Han movies:

Episode IV, A New Hope? Probably a bit too long and serious.

Episode V, The Empire Strikes Back? Probably a bit too dark in places.

Episode VII, The Force Awakens has Han, but he dies. Not so good.

The clear, obvious choice was Episode VI, Return of the Jedi. We watched it, and my girls have been rabid fans ever since. During the lightsaber fight between Luke and Vader at the end, Katriina turned to me and said “they don’t really know how to swordfight, do they daddy?” but it didn’t spoil their enjoyment. It was the Ewoks that did it. Only kids like Ewoks, I think

But you know what? These are kids’ movies. When RTJ came out, all my friends saw it. We were 12. One of them had his mother make him a goddam Ewok suit.

So I took them to see Solo, and they enjoyed it, it was ok. Nice to see Chewbacca (kids love Chewie too, because he’s basically a giant Ewok). Nice to see that the main baddy-not-baddy was a girl too, and one of the goody-baddies (these are technical terms, do try to keep up). But it was too much of a boy’s movie. I liked it, but it wasn't really a Star Wars film- no Jedi.

My daughters have now seen all the movies, and thought the first three were too slow, but they really liked… wait for it… Jar Jar. Because he’s funny in a way children understand, and they just don’t know enough to catch the really unpleasant racist undertow.

Their favourite movie is The Last Jedi. It’s because of the women. Rey. Leia. Rose. Even the purple haired admiral whose name I forget, whom every single one of my friends who don’t like the film hate with a fiery passion. In almost every scene, there are women for my daughters to look up to, whose purpose has nothing to do with being attractive to the boys.

Some franchises start out aimed at one demographic, and try to grow up with that group. Harry Potter is a good example: the books start with him aged 11, and end at 18, and get more and more adult as you go (up to a point). For the first generation reading them as they were published, Harry, Ron and Hermione were always their age. Batman also changed over time. In the 60s, it was really clearly a kids show. Then as the graphic novels got darker (starting with Frank Miller’s Dark Knight in 1986), and the movies started to emerge (with Tim Burton directing the first, in 1989), kids who had enjoyed the tv show reruns at the age of 6 had something much more grown-up to sink their teeth into at 16, and 26.

But Star Wars never did that. Arguably the most adult of the movies are the first two, episodes IV and V; and the franchise was taken over by Disney, for goodness’ sake. They are not well known as a studio for producing gritty dark realism. They’re famous for movies like Bambi and Frozen. Why grown-ups would go to see a Disney Star Wars expecting a movie aimed at middle-aged nerds is beyond me.

So my advice with this franchise is this: if you can get into the mental state of an 11-year-old (something I find disturbingly easy to do, but it seems not all adults have the trick of it), then watch them. Otherwise, leave them to the kids. Because then they might grow up just like me.

Sword bling!

16th March, 2018
By Guy Windsor
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I love seeing sword-themed art being created, and so far this year my eye has already been caught by two fantastic, and quite different, approaches. I'm not affiliated to either, and get no commission from anything you buy. I just like their stuff. What do you think of these?

On the left we have classically beautiful designs from SwordGeek Boutique's range currently raising funds on Indiegogo, and on the right a more ‘metal' design available from HEMA Tees which is a range by Martin Sander of awesome images that come on phone covers, t-shirts, mugs and so on, all at pretty reasonable prices.

You can find his work here:

SwordGeek's Boutique is by clothier, fashion maven, and long-time producer of excellent historical garb Nicole Allen.

She is producing everything from wall-hangings to waistcoats, in glorious sword-themed fabrics.

Sadly, most of the time I dress like a hobo, so I can't quite justify buying one of those waistcoats, but if you're the sort of person who has to wear a tie to work, why not this one?

So there you have it: two ways to get more swords into your life, even in places where they don't normally go. Needless to say, both of these artists could use your support, so go! be a generous Medici to their transcendent Michaelangelos.

Awesome sword art

18th August, 2017
By Guy Windsor
One Comment

A tiny, low-res version of Jussi's Messer poster.

Jussi Alarauhio is the graphics genius behind the art for Audatia the medieval combat card game I developed a few years ago. A while back he sent me the poster you see above, which he made for a HEMA club practising (you guessed it) Lechkuchner's messer combat style. It is way too cool not to share, and while the image above had to be reduced dramatically in size for the purposes of putting it on this blog post, you can download a pdf of it here: LechkuchnerMesserPosterLR

If your taste runs to more 3D stuff, have a look at this:

It would be simply wrong of me not to mention that Jussi is available to produce commissions for you, and I can recommend him both in terms of the art he produces (judge for yourself), and as regards his reliability and (in my view unreasonably low) costs. You can contact him through his website, here where there is even more cool art. Enjoy!

Please note, I'm on holiday in Finland at the moment, so will be slower than usual in replying to pretty much anything.

Mounted Bliss

5th May, 2017
By Guy Windsor
One Comment

Fun, Travel

horsemanship, learning, mounted combat

They say travel is all about having new experiences. Well… having a week to fill between my Seattle and Vancouver seminars, I thought I’d take the opportunity to get back in the saddle. My friend Jen Landels (she of Pulp Literature fame, and as yet the only guest blogger on this site) runs the Academie Duello mounted combat program. Yes, they have a mounted combat program. Oh my. She has been inviting me ‘out to the barn’ every time we’ve met, and I finally took her up on it.
We began with a little archery practice, on foot, just to get familiar with the specific way of shooting from horseback.
Then the riding began. It’s been a full decade since I last rode but the basic balance was there, and the lovely, stoical Flavia didn’t mind my jouncing about on her back too much. At least, she never shook me off.
After quite a while of simply getting used to being back on a horse, Jen had me do some interesting mounted warm-ups, basically learning to reach and stretch and do things with my back and arms, without affecting my seat. Because you tell the horse what to do with your arse and feet.
Once that was established, I had a go shooting from horseback, just at a walk, and with Jen leading the horse the first couple of rounds.

Note the back arm.

It was awesome. I am now 99% Mongolian, honest.

Then the swords came out.
I should mention that these are nylon wasters. Yup, you read that right. As I’ve written before, plastic swords are for children. But also for novice mounted combatants *to avoid hurting the horse*. Because (as Jen put it) the horses didn’t ask for it.
We went through a couple of Fiore’s plays, and then I asked her to run me through the things she would normally cover in a beginner’s class. We did some simple attacks and counters, first with me staying still and her coming towards me, and then with us both moving forwards. She then left the beginners course behind, and we did some gentle freeplay.

Word to the wise: do NOT let Jen get behind you. She’ll slice you up like salami.
It was a wonderful way to spend a morning- if you ever get the chance to try it, do! Jen is a great instructor, and there is just nothing like having a horse under you.

Sweet Sixteen

17th March, 2017
By Guy Windsor
2 Comments

Today is an auspicious day. It marks the 16th anniversary of the founding of my School, with my first demonstration class held in a small training hall inside the Olympic Stadium.

One of the greatest challenges from the beginning was that the people who are most interested in the training I have to offer are spread all over the world- and even in that first class, there were people who had driven for hours to make it. It was partly for them that I began writing my books, and partly for the generations yet to come who may be interested in what their forebears were getting up to back in the bad old days.

It seems appropriate that I have spent the day recording video in the Helsinki salle for an online Longsword course, ably assisted by Zoë Chandler, both in front and behind the camera, and with the technical help of the excellent Petteri Kihlberg, who lent us his awesome equipment and showed us how to set it up. The course will cover everything from the absolute beginning (how to hold a sword), through the basic syllabus, and all the way up to some quite advanced training. Old favourites like the Farfalla di Ferro and the Punta Falsa are there, as well as a run-through of every one of Fiore’s longsword plays on foot and out of armour. It has been a monster undertaking!

I will make the first section of the course free, so anyone can try it out. This is the way I have always run my school- the first class is free and without obligation. Then the rest of the course will be available, either as a whole, or in two chunks. I’ll keep you posted on progress- there is 450GB of footage to edit, so it may take a while before we’re ready to go. Eta perhaps middle of May.

I also shot footage for a free forearm maintenance course, to go with the existing free knee maintenance course; that will probably go live a little after the longsword course. If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything!

While I’m here I will be teaching a backsword seminar tomorrow, and attending the School’s 16th Birthday Party at the Salle from about 8pm. Everybody is welcome, so see you there!

The King and Queen of Awesomesauce

12th December, 2016
By Guy Windsor
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Fun, Personal

armour, cinquedea, Seattle

I am resistant to change in the English language. I dislike the use of ‘reference' as a verb. Refer to something, don't reference it. And as for the astonishingly lazy and stupid “I could care less” when the speaker means “I couldn't care less”, well, that makes me quite cross.

But every now and then a new word comes along that is the only fit and proper way to describe something. And that word, today, is “awesomesauce”.

When I visited Seattle in March this year, I saw one of my young students in an armour hoodie. Really, a hoodie that looks like armour, with pauldrons and everything. I admired it vocally, and the lad's father Matthew heard me, told me that his wife had made it, and asked me if I'd like one. Hell yes! I replied. And so, on my last trip over, there it was, hand crafted by the astonishingly kind and skillful Ren Roche.

What the well-dressed swordsman about town is wearing this season.

I wear it to the delight of my younger daughter and the despair of my elder; it's perfect on planes and playgrounds alike. And it's armour. Awesomesauce is the only word that captures all that.

That by itself justifies the neologism, but as if it wasn't enough, look what arrived from America the other day:

You may recall from my trip to Edinburgh that I'm something of a cinquedea nut. I just love them. And Brian Kerce, in Florida, got wind of this and just upped and made me one. It's breathtaking. The blade is canarywood, fullered with 4,3,2 and 1 as you go up the blade; the crossguard is wenge, the handle is maple inlaid with leopard wood. Most importantly, it doesn't just look gorgeous, it fits my hand to perfection. You can find some of his other work on Etsy.

Again, the only word I can think of that conveys amazement, delight, and a touch of awe, is AWESOMESAUCE.

And I hereby declare Brian and Ren the King and Queen of Awesomesauce!

Horny for swords? Me too.

15th October, 2016
By Guy Windsor
3 Comments

Fun, Travel

Armizare, boar sword, fiore, medieval longsword, travel

You may recall I went to Scotland a couple of weeks ago, and on that trip a select few got to travel to Glasgow to visit the Museum Resource Centre. There we met a curator, Dr Ralph Moffat, who kindly opened case after case of swords, guns, and armour, for us to (literally) play with. One piece at a time, of course, and no actual murder allowed, but still, a morning exceptionally well spent.

As you can see from this photo, I was miserable the whole time.

That's a cinquedea, one of my favourite kinds of blades. They are just so in-your-face, unapologetic, and dear god you don't want ever to be hit by one.

Though Phil Crawley, who organised the trip, seems entirely unconcerned about being stabbed by an early 17th century rapier (a blissful sword- much more agile than some others I've handled, but a proper killing blade nonetheless).

(I snagged this picture from Facebook, so if whoever took it would like credit, let me know).

For me one of the highlights, and the impetus for this post, was this extraordinary weapon.

Which has a blunt blade and a spear tip:

And two almighty horns sticking out the sides!

As you can see, the blade is completely blunt- it's only function is to create space between the spear tip and the handle. This is the only historical example of a boar sword with its secondary crossguard fitted that I've ever got to handle. Why am I so excited? Because Fiore shows one, here:

(From folio 24v of Il Fior di Battaglia, Getty MS.) The purpose of the secondary crossguard is to stop a wild boar from running up your blade after you've stabbed it, and goring you (as Mordred did to King Arthur in Le Morte d'Arthur).

This boar sword is obviously a lot later than 1410; I'd put it about 1550-1600, from Germany (experts please chime in if I'm wrong), but still, I hope it's catnip to us Fiore fans.

On the subject of Fiore: I do hope you've seen this awesome piece of work: the Fiore app for Android! it's basically a concordance of the four surviving manuscripts, and oh my, what a handy resource it is!

A swordsman’s thoughts on some Game of Thrones fights

12th October, 2016
By Guy Windsor
17 Comments

[Warning: these videos contain some very graphic violence. If you are under 18, and like screen sword fights, please go here instead.]

Game of Thrones is a great TV series, a soap opera of majestic proportions with amazing effects and great stories. It is not, and does not pretend to be, historically accurate in any way. I therefore do not judge it by the same criteria that I would judge The Duellists, for example, which is a dramatisation of actual events. (Great movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, go buy it!)

For fiction of any kind to work it has to ring true. Characters that don’t behave like themselves, or who react to things in ways that don’t make sense kick us right out of their world and back into our living rooms. I don’t for one instant buy the idea that Jaime Lannister couldn’t learn to fight left handed after losing his right. It’s crackers to think that he’d be useless in combat, when he was once a great fighter. Not up to his old standard, sure, but incompetence seems unlikely. It’s a plot device to allow certain situations to exist, which I find annoying.

I tend to judge stage or screen sword fights by the following criteria.

1) is the character’s behaviour in keeping with their character?

2) is their fighting style and skill in keeping with their role?

I do not expect them to do ‘proper technique’ necessarily, unless they are supposed to be highly skilled. I also allow for the fact that stage and screen combat are diametrically opposed to most historical swordsmanship systems I’ve studied. In a nutshell, the difference is when doing stage combat, everyone should see what’s going on, and nobody should die. In real swordfights, nobody should see what you’re doing, and somebody should die.

In Game of Thrones, perhaps the most disappointing moment came when Ned Stark got captured in series one episode 5. You can watch the fight between him and Jaime here:

The thing is, these are supposed to be two of the absolute best swordsmen in a very sword-oriented culture. But they are bashing their swords together like they were fighting with sticks. Stupid big blocky parries, the sword dead in Jaime’s hand, it’s a mess. Take a look at this picture:

See how he’s holding his sword? No grounding, no proper mechanics, his wrist bent, elbow cocked, no sense of the position of the edge, nothing. It’s horrible. It inspired my friend Roland Warzecha to make these embellishments:

And look at Ned. He’s swinging wildly, and completely unaware of his tactical situation, unlikely in such an experienced soldier (I would hope). Compare that to his fight as a much younger man, here:

https://youtu.be/5aO_CsqfBAo

Now Ser Arthur Dayne and his two swords- yes you can expect me to be a bit sniffy about any fighter dressed in quasi-European clothes in a quasi-medieval-europe setting, using two swords at once. And holding one of them the wrong way round! It’s very silly.

But.

Ser Arthur Dayne is supposed to be a legendary swordsman in a sword-oriented culture. You don’t get to be a legend by fighting like everyone else, and in the context, this fight isn’t too bad. Sure there’s far too much flailing about for dramatic effect, but that’s normal on screen. But Ned is at least as good a swordsman here as he is some 15 years or so in the future (GoT fans feel free to correct my dates). In my experience, as swordsmen age, they tend to get more efficient, not less.

I do wonder though why armour in this culture is so completely useless. If your armour doesn’t protect you from a belly slash, then why the hell would you wear it? In our historical swordsmanship sources cuts are almost invariably done to the head, arm, or leg; thrusts to the face or torso; and in armour, thrusts to the gaps only. You rarely see a cut to the body until much, much later, when cutting swords were often curved, and people fought in shirtsleeves.

[For an explanation of why curved blades cut better, see here. With thanks to Björn Engholm for pointing out my first explanation was sadly wrong. (I'm wrong a lot.)]

The torso is easy to armour, and especially with a straight-edged sword, even normal medieval type clothing offers some protection against a belly slash. But no, belly slashes are easy to choreograph and look cool, so let’s have them. One lovely moment where armour actually works in the wearer’s favour is in this fight, where Ned parries a blow with his vambrace. That’s going to hurt, but it should work in real life.

The business of legendary swordsmen having nonstandard styles is incidentally why I love the Achilles versus Hector spear and shield fight in the mostly dreadful movie Troy. You know, the one where Achilles was NOT GAY AT ALL.

See the crazy shit they pull off? Leaps and twists and using a spear not like a spear, and even having it go behind your own neck like Brad does here? Love it.

One of the major downsides to being good at swordsmanship is that it tends to ruin movies. I watched A Knight’s Tale sat between two friends; JT Pälikkö, legendary swordsmith, and Lasse Mattila, arms and armour conservator. This is a film in which just about everything that can be wrong historically, is. And as we sat there in the dark, about five minutes in, we stopped being appalled and started to laugh. Because there was nothing about the movie that pretended to be a serious historical film; it was and is an excellently entertaining romp, with, incidentally, some amazingly good jousting scenes. Likewise, Game of Thrones. It’s not supposed to be accurate. It doesn’t claim to be. But I do wish that some of the swordsmen in it were properly trained to use swords like swords. Perhaps I should send the crew a box of The Medieval Longsword?

If you found this post interesting or useful, let me know and I'll dig into some of the other fights… like the one where one character actually ends a mandritto fendente in posta di dente di zenghiaro la mezana- whether he meant to do it or not! Feel free to suggest a scene for me to rant about in the comments.

The Force Awakened. And look what it did!

8th January, 2016
By Guy Windsor
22 Comments

jedi, star wars, the force awakens

I am not a ninja. I am not a knight. I am a Jedi. In 2006 I taught a long sword and lightsaber seminar at LucasFilm Singapore to a group of animators working on the Clone Wars series, which, if you think about it in just the right way, makes me a Jedi Master. Hah!

I mention this to make the point that we all come to historical swordsmanship from different backgrounds and for different reasons, aspiring towards different archetypes, and this can affect how we train. It has often puzzled my medievalist friends that I'm not more interested in armour. Medieval knightly combat is armoured combat. Armour is ok; I have a lovely harness, and I take it out and fight in it every now and then. But I'm not, and probably never will be, really into it. The knight in shining armour is cool and all, but the archetype that imprinted itself in my soul at that formative age wasn't Sir Lancelot, or William the Marshall; it was Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi. And the only armour in the Star Wars universe seems to be worn by the villains. Plus, it’s completely useless anyway, as teddy bears with slingshots can get through it.

Since watching the original movies (the first one I was old enough to see in the cinema was Return of the Jedi; the rest I only saw on grainy Betamax until they were re-released and digitally remastered in the nineties), the central mythos of my martial arts aspirations was set. Yoda is the ultimate martial arts master, settled in a remote location, concealing his true nature until the disciple appears. Han Solo is the competent older warrior, skilled but not gifted, who mentors the acolyte but must be outgrown; Obi-Wan is the gatekeeper to the tradition; it's all there. It's just a shame that Luke is such a whiny little brat. I always wanted to be a Jedi, but never wanted to be a Jedi like Luke! Except for the amazing bit on Jabba's barge, of course. I mean, talk about super-cool. Walking the plank, about to get eaten, and suddenly with a couple of back-flips and a lightsaber, you win. Wow.

The only way to train a student. Especially a whiny one.

This of course has deeply influenced my training interests; I’m especially drawn to anything Jedi-like: meditation, for instance. Breathing exercises for another. Don’t worry, folks. I am actually a grown-up, and I do know that you can’t really force-choke people without actually, you know, choking them with something. But it’s as well for you to know where I’m coming from: this underlying archetypal aspiration has guided me more than I had imagined.

My desk: Yoda gives me sage advice: R2 scolds me when I'm doing something stupid.

I have only one real objection to the Star Wars universe (other than the unassailable fact that in any sane version of the story, the Jedi would be the villains (see here, or here)): the ancient and now discredited notion of heredity and talent. I’m sorry, but Jedi’s should be made, not born. The idea of there being only one bloodline in the entire galaxy that can produce decent Jedi is silly. Not least because of the sheer number of non-Skywalker-gened Jedi we saw in the prequels. And yet a central concern in the original movies was Luke being the only Jedi that could take on Darth Vader. Silly! My regular readers know how I feel about talent, so I won’t belabour the point here, but I am philosophically opposed to any system that requires a specific abnormal genetic inheritance for excellence. This aspect of the mythos comes straight from a thousand ancient tales in which the Chosen One, the Heir to the Kingdom, or whatever else, imbued by his (and it is almost always his) parentage with special specialness, goes off and does stuff only he can do. Bugger that. Lucas, you could have done better.

The best and the wisest character in the universe.

As with the rest of my generation, I waited with baited breath for the prequels, and, like the rest of my generation, was appalled. I saw each one once, but only once, and have tried not to think about them since. Even so, I was horrified when Disney bought the franchise. Because in my house of little girls, Disney = sickly-sweet pink films. Bleagh. I was all ready to miss the new film, until the interwebs blew up with people my age raving about it. And so, I went.

I practically wet myself with glee for two hours straight. It was absolutely everything everybody said it was. Disney, I apologise.

Spoiler alert. DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE AND WANT TO. Go! Watch It Now!

As soon as my readers heard I'd seen the film, I got a bunch of requests to comment on it, especially with regards to the lightsaber fighting.

OK, here goes.

There are no real plot twists or surprises in the film. It's a myth; an epic re-telling of an ancient story. As soon as Han steps onto that bridge, you know his son will kill him. It's necessary. As soon as Rey finds the sword in the stone light saber in the box, or it finds her, she is clearly going to go and find Luke. But that’s ok; a myth well told is never surprising. How many viewers didn’t know whether Frodo would make it to Mount Doom?

There are plot-holes aplenty. Of course. The idea of Luke being somehow hidden, and the star-map that shows his location having a long orange trail marked on it, is just silly. Luke went to find the original Jedi temple; he couldn't have known where he was going, so he couldn't have left a map in R2D2, nor could he have chopped the important bit out and put it on a thumb drive and given it to the old man in that village on (yet another) desert planet. And how did Poe know to find him there? And how did Maz Kanata end up with Luke's lightsaber, the one that Obi-Wan gave him and he lost when Daddy chopped off his hand? I'm not the only one to wonder.

And why does the Empire (sorry, First Order) care where some old Jedi is, in hiding, in isolation, affecting nothing?

Because it's a myth. And myths aren't about making perfect linear sense; they instead bring out deeper truths of human nature and cast them in story form.

The plot is fine.

A female lead character? About time. I want my daughters to have Jedi they can identify with. Lead Jedi. Badass Jedi. Jedi that don't need rescuing like a dopey Princess. OK, Rey ain't a Jedi yet, but again it's obvious that she will be one day. Also, a female storm trooper captain? Yay! I'd take orders from Captain Phasma (Gwendoline Christie) any day (if my wife said it was ok) 🙂 A black lead character? Also about time. The casting of Finn goes some way to atoning for the blatant Jim Crow racism inherent in Jar Jar ~~fucking~~ Binks. Lando was cool, but peripheral. Finn is a major character. Incidentally, the way he refuses to fire his weapon during the massacre of the villagers has many real-life examples. It was perhaps the most realistic bit of the whole film. [approx 18 “fucks” deleted from this paragraph. I got quite cross. If you have a problem with black leads or female leads, then get off my blog and don't come back.]

Now to the bit you've all been waiting for: the lightsaber fights at the end. Because you can’t have a Star Wars movie without a duel at the end. It wouldn’t be right. Somehow, armed with Luke's old lightsaber, both Finn (an ex-storm trooper) and Rey (an untrained person) stand up to Kylo Ren, supposedly a highly-trained Jedi turned to the Dark Side.

Let's examine Kylo Ren for a moment. He was trained first by Luke himself; turned to the Dark Side, and then was taken on by Gollum Supreme Leader Snoke. He has serious anger-management issues (smashing up parts of a space-ship with his lightsaber, while it's in space! No space-navy could allow it. But I digress), but is extremely good at stopping blaster bolts, force-choking people, that sort of thing. He has a lot of the Luke-style whiny-brat about him, especially when he takes off his helmet, but he is at least supposed to be the arch-baddy, Darth Vader-type villain. Granted at the time of the duels he is badly wounded with a blaster bolt to the side (the sort of hit that would kill any fully-armoured stormtrooper, of course), but really, he should be doing a lot better.

Finn is a) motivated b) a trained warrior and c) has never used a lightsaber or anything like it before. He ought to be dead in a single move. Maybe Kylo would toy with him a bit first, but Finn should be dead in seconds, not injured in minutes. That was pretty unrealistic.

Rey though, is a somewhat different story. Throughout the movie she has carried a deeply impractical quarterstaff, and she is shown using it to good effect against (for instance) the robbers sent by Unkar Plutt to steal the BB-8 droid. She is clearly experienced at fighting with a staff, and has survived without help for a long time. Also, and more critically, when Ren tried to use the Force to open up her mind to him, she beat him back, which was clearly a surprise to them both. In the fight scene then, Ren has been beaten by her once already, and then been shot, so it is not quite so unrealistic to think that she could beat him again.

But still: trained knight v gifted amateur? It should be no contest at all.

Now, about Ren’s lightsaber with the mini-sabers crossguard. It is very silly. He is far more likely to hurt himself than anyone else, because when you swing a longsword, the crossguard always gets very close to your forearm; indeed, beginners usually develop the “beginners’ bruise”, in the middle of the forearm of their dominant hand. Ok, he’s not a beginner, but really, it’s a silly design. Some kind of lightsaber-proof crossguard would be a good idea, but not one that you can’t touch.

But that’s all I really have to say on the subject. There is no such thing as authentic, historically accurate, lightsaber technique. IT'S FICTION! Would I fight with a lightsaber the way they do in the movies? Hell no. But that’s not the point, now, is it? [I have threatened before to write a book on how to fight with a lightsaber. Should I do it? Let me know…]

The point is that this movie delivers the heart and soul of the Star Wars universe, and does it without trampling too hard on logic, plot, or realism.

Am I over-thinking this? Possibly. But you must understand, as the last surviving Jedi knight, I have to take this seriously.

Guy's Blog

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